she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
