When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Less talking, more tequila
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
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