you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
