roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
