I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
