Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
