Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
