I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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