I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
