If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
