a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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