Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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