just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
