She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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