We named our party play list daddy issues
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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