I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
