I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
