She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
