I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
