WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
