I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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