I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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