I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
