i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize