uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
