he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Even my vagina gasped.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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