You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
