went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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