If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
