You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
