so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
