if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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