Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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