I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
