Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
