Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
