your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
