We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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