Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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