new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
