I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
