I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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