Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
