I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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