I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
