Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
