I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
