Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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