The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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