...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
