we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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