You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We need to get me chipped asap
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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