there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
