Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
