Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
