I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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