I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
