i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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