dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
